It has been a few days since I’ve posted because I didn’t feel like writing and I didn’t feel like I had much to say. I’ve been feeling somewhat like a fraud and I’ve been ashamed that I had a couple drinks over the weekend. Once again the temptation of a hot summer Friday and Saturday got the better of me. It was also my aunt’s birthday celebration on Sunday and I indulged a little at the party as well. Yesterday I could barely function at work. I felt like a massive bag of shit. My head was pounding, I couldn’t concentrate and I certainly didn’t ‘do’ much work. When I got home I did the bare minimum with my daughter and I had my husband BBQ dinner. I laid on the couch and went to bed at 8pm. I was grumpy and pissed off. I really hate being hungover.
After having six sober days in a row last week and feeling awesome, this was a real kick in the face. I was so upset at myself that I didn’t even enjoy the buzz. I think this last episode literally proved that moderation is not an option, and that complete abstinence is the only way. I give myself an inch and I take a mile. I’ve proven that all my efforts to ‘control’ my intake is pointless and totally ineffective. I know I will drink until the very last drop.
I had a long talk with my husband and I told him I need his support to help me out of situations when that destructive addictive asshole starts piping up. He agreed to help and is on board with sobriety. He’s the take it or leave it type, however, he has lately noticed his drinking patterns have escalated over the years, probably due to my negative influence, and he wants to stop as well. So I have a partner in crime. I don’t think he’ll quit forever, but he is definitely on board for now.
Today, I feel like I’m in a different place emotionally. I know that in my heart of hearts that last weekend was it for me. I I’m sad, and I feel like I’m really losing something important. My higher self knows that is not true but I feel sad nonetheless. I’ve also realized by reading other peoples blogs that the crazy mental voice and nagging urges are completely normal at the start. Part of me expected to quit by losing the ‘desire’ to drink which would therefore take care of the psychological withdrawal. I would be BOOM done, that’s it no more desire to drink, all gone, I’m cured. I thought this because of some of the books I read that suggested that once you lose the desire to drink you never feel like you’re missing out. This wasn’t happening for me, I still craved alcohol so I thought I’m just not getting the message here, it’s not working for or the information is just not sinking in. I kept looking and looking and reading and reading trying to find something that would resonate and click. I’ve come to realize that that particular scenario is probably not going to magically happen. The truth is much clearer now. I have realized that I’ve actually lost the desire to drink, but I’m now dealing with the years of habits and addiction. I expected to get out free and clear without struggling. I know better now. It is going to take work, period!!!
Time to step up to the plate and work for my sobriety.